On the Road - the worst didn't happen.

Yesterday my family was involved in an accident. Despite a car with much damage we came through it relatively unscathed. Today I am hurting from my hips to my head. The accident has triggered a flare of my Fibromyalgia. But it is a pain which will ebb quickly. I am grateful for the safety of seat belts which worked exactly as they should. I am grateful for the police officers who responded and ensured that we were all okay. I am grateful. Memories and Flashbacks. I know what can happen. I have seen the worst. On August 6, 198o, shortly after my high school graduation and before my 18th birhday I had an accident which has tortured me ever since. I was on my way to work that morning. I didn't make it. A few blocks from my apartment I was in a crash with another car which was driven by an elderly woman. I do not rememer the aciident. I do not rememer the morning. My first memory is of regaining consciousness in my car surrounded by emergency vehicles. Through my windshield I could only see the hood of my car and a person hosing down my engine. Through the passenger window I saw another car. But I couldn't see a person in that vehicle. It turns out she was there and they were able to rescue her from the wreckage with the jaws of life. They loaded both of us into an ambulance and took off with sirens blaring. I watched her die. Her heart stopped and the paramedics administered blows and shocks to her chest with no success. She died. I was released from the hospital with few physical injuries but great mental ones. Since that awful August morning I have suffered intense fear when I witness the remnants of accidents and I am skittesh in cars most of the time. I have suffered flashbacks. I am scarred. Tortured at times. But yesterday I saw that accident coming and while it scared me it didnt do more. I did not suffer a flashback. I didnt struggle with the tears that are always on the surface. I wasn't tortured by my memories. I cannot explain why I escaped these horrible memories, but I am grateful. And for the first time in nearly 30 years I feel a measure of freedom from those memories. I am grateful for that even more than I am for my physical health.

Book Challenges for 2010.

Are any of you avid readers? I have found many book challenges for 2010, and signed up for 6 or 7 of them? I have a friend who will join me in at least some of them but I am inviting you to join me. I would love the opportunity to read your thoughts and reviews of books you read next year and to share mine with you. I have set up a book blog specifically for this purpose. It is entitled The Best Gifts Have Spines and Pages, and you can find it here: www.spinesandpages.blogspot.com

What does THANKFUL really mean?

I know most people ask themselves this question in late November, but I find it to be even more applicable to my life now. So, here it is: What does THANKFUL mean? The dictionary says: thank-ful (thangk-full) adj. 1. aware and appreciative of a benefit; grateful 2. expressive of gratitude: a thankful smile Coloquially, in my mind it incluedes: 1. I am glad that I have it. 2. I am happy it makes my life easier. 3. That person makes me feel good. Today. 1. I am thankful for the home we have to shelter our family when so many are homeless. 2. I am glad for my husband's job which he loves and excels at. 3. I am happy to own such luxuries as a dishwasher, soft cotton towels, a hair dryer, and my new iPhone. 4. I am happy to have two children and a husband who are good, honest, compassionate and loving people. 5. I am thankful for books, Christmas music and ornaments which all have stories ahout our life together. 6. I am grateful for my friends and extended family who all give to me far more than they take from me. 7. I am grateful for my faith. There are a million other things -- small and big, and I am grateful. For what are you grateful today?

Childhood Dreams Realized

I am currently engrossed in a wonderful book written by one of the queen's of the scrapbook world. The Big Picture by Stacy Julian. One particular layout struck my fancy today. She titled it Shattered Horse Dreams. It had one small picture of herself as a child on a horse. The rest was journeying. She wrote that she always dreamed of owning a horse when she grew up until she fell in love with a man who was an asthmatic. The layout was delicious; it portrayed the dreams of her child-self and the contentment that her life has actually brought to her life. There was no regret in her words. It simply illuminated a small glimpse into her childhood. This layout provoked the question: What were my childhood dreams and have I realized them? If you look to my School Years books in which my mom kept my school photos, report cards, memorabilia and in which I wrote my desires, you will see my childish scrawl writing my hope to be a 'stewardess'. Every year it was the same. I wanted to fly! I never considered the possibility that I might be a pilot (or have any other aircrew job). I was a girl. 'Girls' were 'stewardesses'. What mattered was that dream of travelling the world for my job. I am not a flight attendant, and I never even tried to achieve that position. What I did was far better. I flew! Yes, I certainly flew. But I did it while serving my country and in a position with much more knowledge of flight than I would have had in that long sought after job. I only served four years and I still regret it today. Except... now I have a dream realized AND a new dream formed and realized. The dream of motherhood. I think it is time for another dream...

Chanukah, Friends and New Inspiration

This week has been full of life Outside My Window and that fills my heart with happiness. Monday brought the noisy din of happy 10 and 11 year old Girl Scouts to my home. It was our last meeting for 2009. The first half of our school year has passed quickly and we are looking forward to cookie sales the first week of January. I was also surprised by a knock at my door that day. I walked to my door expecting a UPS driver and instead was stunned to see my friend who has moved to New York. We only had a few precious moments but it was wonderful just the same. Tuesday I had a couple of hours with a friend and chips and salsa. The latter was yummy, but the conversation was even better. Together we discovered a mutual passion for books and have decided to join an online book challenge in 2010. (Maybe I will do more than one.) I followed that up with a treat for myself: a new haircut which I love! Wednesday evening was my monthly book club meeting. Pattie, Jamie, Krista, Marilyn, Sara and two newer members. They bring intelligent, insightful and sometimes silly conversation into my life. And then tonight our friends invited us to share the last night of Chanukah with them. The meal was wonderful and because she too is a scrapper I poked through two of her newest albums and discussed with her some online classes she has previously taken. I left with new motivation to challenge myself in my art. Five days full of love, friendship, shared passions and an opportunity to learn more about the beautiful traditions of Chanukah. It cannot get much better.

Forensics and New Evidences of Maturity.

Owen is on the brink... a boy of 13. No longer a child. Nowhere near manhood. On the precipice of true adolescence. Each day is a new experience; a new struggle. Sometimes the growing pains prove to be difficult for me. I find that his 'attitude' sometimes causes me great frustration, and often I react in anger. It is that word again. React. I wish that more often I would breathe, think and act rather than react. Thus the growing pains. It is not only my son who struggles with them. It is me. I am being forced to grow as a parent, and sometimes I do it only by being dragged into it while kicking and screaming. But yesterday my son provided me with evidence of maturity. It was a good day without those pesky growing pains. So, what happened? Forensics. The first tournament was yesterday. Owen competed and won the 6th place trophy. But, although I am proud of that win, it is not the evidence of which I speak. The first round was a difficult one for Owen. He forgot parts of his piece and fed the wrong lines to his partner. I watched him with a pit in my stomach. I left feeling sure their chances for the podium were gone, and sure that round 2 would be much the same. In the past Owen has struggled to change course once it was set. When he performed badly once it was certain to continue. If things began poorly, they continued poorly. So I was sure he would follow that path. Here is the wonderful evidence of maturity; of the path he is following as he grows: Owen performed well in the second round. He set aside his disappointment and he performed. This is a difficult feat for adults. So it is lovely to see from my child The road to adulthood. The growing pains will continue. I may even encounter them tomorrow, and if so I hope I will act. I hope I will avoid the folly of reacting. But in this moment I am content to revel in the beauty of yesterday.

Snow Days and the Struggles of a Friend

Today's view Outside my Window is a literal one. I am snuggled in the warm cushions of my loveseat still in my flannel pajamas and glad not to be out in the cold. Today's high temperature is to be MINUS 1 degree. And the wind chill puts us at minus 11! What??? We are in Colorado now, not Michigan. So today I will not be seeing much outside the walls of my home, and it leads me to ponder my own thoughts. So, here is another glimpse Inside My Heart. I have a friend. She is a woman I know only a little; she is in my little world but I have not had enough opportunities to get to know her. She is a lovely woman and she is facing some difficult and trying health concerns. The worst of it is she is undiagnosed. Most people do not know the anxiety of having serious health complications which affect every aspect of life. Even fewer know wht it means to have those problems and not know the reason. Undiagnosed. This status is the worst there is. Most of us can learn to face whatever it is that we must face. We are told the worst and once the shock ebbs we learn to cope. But, when we do not know what it is we are facing we do not cope well. It is a status of limbo. Fear and anxiety take hold and our minds conjure pictures of the worst outcome. Beyond that we often face a crazy thing from others. As time passes and we continue to live without a diagnosis people begin to think we are 'making it up'. They treat us as though we are a bit crazy, and cease to have compassion. So not only do we have these horrible symptoms of illness; our world shrinks and we feel as though we no longer have anyone who (whom?) we can trust and on whom we can rely. I worry about my friend. I believe that she is starting to feel this frustration and is facing it with few people who understand. She is on my mind and in my heart. I 'get it'. I know those feelings. I know that awful word. Undiagnosed. So, today I am pondering... how do I best help my friend? How do I help her face the fear and feel that she is not in this status alone? How do I best share my 8 years of experience with her? Ideas are welcome.

The wonderful world of OTHER PEOPLE'S blogs!

It has been an eventful weekend following a slothful week. And lately I am not a blog writer but a blog stalker. I am having a great deal of fun reading blogs ... of those I know and of those I don't. I have found an entire universe of blogs dedicated to scrapbooking and another one dedicated to reading. I have found sketch challenges for scrapbooking and already utilized one sketch which has allowed me to get one layout closer to finishing my 2008 album which I have been working on forever. And who knew there would be reading challenges to take on for the coming year? I am going to challenge myself this coming year to read more, write more, think more, do more... All these wonderful blogs have entertained me and given me inspiration for my two favorite hobbies. However they have also led to what I referred to above ... a slothful week. I am going into this week with a strategy. I will dedicate certain amounts of time to blogging by setting a timer and when it goes off I am done. I will accomplish one layout for that never ending book of 2008. I will set aside a sum of time each day to do those everyday chores. And I will finish decorating my house which looks as though Christmas exploded inside it. Hmmm... can I really do this? Or will I find myself lost in another blog written by some talented person I will never meet? I hope I do not discover a third universe of blogs to follow. I wonder... is there a universe full of 40+ women in love with their childhood idol and writing about those silly 70s? The weekend... well it was filled with Girl Scouts, church and a poor sweet daughter.

Emily got it right again:

Had I Not Seen the Sun by Emily Dickinson Had I not seen the Sun I could have borne the shade But Light a Newer Wilderness My wilderness has made --

My view today. A sunny December.

December dawned and we were graced with sunshine. Sunny days (not necessarily warm days) are the days I live for. I have always been affected negatively by gray and cloudy skies and my mood instantly lifts when the sun is out. If you ask me for a short list of favorite pop songs one instantly comes to mind: "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves. If that song plays I drop everything, raise the volume, dance and sing. I am happy. December started with sunshine. Snow will fall and gray skies will arrive, so my question is how do I keep my view sunny? I like lists. I like them too much. I even wrote about my endless lists. So, here is the funny thing. I am writing another list. My list of things to do to keep my view sunny. 1. Make the house a place of holiday celebration so that I love being inside even if the shades are closed from the world. 2. Spend quiet moments alone in contemplation of my faith, my love, my goals, my belief system, and the things which lead me to have a positive attitude. 3. Sing along with my stereo or iPhone at least once a day. 4. Complete my 2008 scrapbook before the end of the month so I can have a sense of accomplishment and pride that I get whenever I finish a scrapbook project. 5. Open the blinds, curtains, windows and doors whenever the sun is out. 6. Seek my favorite memories and write them. What things would you put on your list of things to do to improve your view?